When people think of addiction, they usually think of drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography. But an addiction can be anything that seeks to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. For me, this came in the form of relationship addiction. I was what you would call a serial monogamist: more often than not I had a boyfriend. And I based my worth on the status of the relationships I was in. To cope with loneliness and dysfunction, I dove deep into relationships that I thought would fill these voids. At first each new relationship was a thrill, a hit that made me feel alive and worthy. But without fail, when each relationship ended I would find myself deep in depression. When a little time had passed, I would be on to the next hit, perpetuating a cycle of heartbreak and destruction.
Each breakup and rejection was not only emotional torture, but an identity crisis. If that person didn’t want me, then I thought something was wrong with me and I was worthless. I stayed in relationships that were wrong for me, convincing myself that I was being loyal, when in reality I wasn’t respecting myself. I thought that if I ended a relationship, maybe another one would never come. I didn’t trust God with this area of my life, so I had to hold tightly to what I had, even if it meant manipulating, guilting, or begging someone to be with me. This is who I used to be, but she is a far reach from who I am today. Today I am confident in my identity, my worth, and happily single. But single people aren’t the only ones who struggle with attaching their worth to another person. You can struggle with this whether you’re single, dating, engaged, or married. The ultimate goal is to attach your identity to Jesus, even if you are with someone awesome. When this shifts, you will be able to love others (including your significant other) out of a place of security, not desperation, making your love even stronger. So what changed? How did I break the cycle of relationship addiction? Here’s 3 things that worked for me.
1. Time and Challenges with Jesus
I have been a Christian for most of my life, but there’s a difference between believing Jesus is who He says He is, and actually trusting Him with your life. Some people reach out to God most when they are in dire need, while some reach out when everything is going well. I was in the latter category. When life was good, I gave God all the praise and credit, but when tough times came, I would blame Him for not caring and for abandoning me. My faith was immature because every time a problem came up, I would actually be the one to abandon God.
There are many ways to strengthen a relationship, but our most secure relationships are forged out of trials. For example, maybe you have a friend whom you really love. The two of you get along well and can tell each other anything. This is great, but imagine you get really sick and that friend comes over every day to check on you, bring you soup, and lift your spirits. Coming out of that sickness, your friendship is going to be even stronger than it was before. It’s the same thing with Jesus. Going through trials isn’t a signal that God’s hand isn’t on your life, but how you rely on Him through those trials and come out the other side is. I had to make a decision that I wasn’t going to let my faith be shaken by every wind that came my way, but that I would make it through these storms with God by my side. When I saw how He carried me through every situation, our relationship grew stronger and closer.
I also spent more time worshipping Him, talking to Him throughout the day, and reading His Word. His Word told me my identity and who I am to Him. As I meditated on these things, Jesus filled the void of loneliness and desperation I had been attempting to quell with my relationships with men. I began to see that my identity is in Christ, not in a relationship. I can only imagine the pain of our Father seeing us struggle with our identity, when we have been children of the King all along. God doesn’t see us any differently if we’re single, in a relationship, or married. He has always seen us as His. The most important title you will ever have is his daughter, or his son. And He doesn’t want our value to be rooted in anything so fickle as an earthly relationship, because He values us eternally. He created each of us with care, for Him. If you allow Him, He will teach you to see yourself as He sees you.
2. Healthy, Vulnerable Christian Friendships
I can’t overstate how important your association is: the people in your life with whom you’re close. There’s a saying that you are a product of the 5 people you’re closest to, and the books you read. So what I’m suggesting here is not just to have friendships, but to have healthy, vulnerable friendships with other Christians. God didn’t create us to do life alone; He created us for connection with others. Healthy friends will encourage you in your worth and your relationship with God.
Another caveat is that just because someone is a Christian, doesn’t mean you can be vulnerable with them. You will need to use discernment (you can ask Jesus to help you) about which people you can open up to. You will make mistakes in your discernment sometimes, and that’s okay; we’re all learning. A resource I recommend to help you assess if someone is a healthy, safe person is Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, which you can buy on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.
I strongly encourage you to form most of your close friendships with people of the same sex, because you will be able to be more vulnerable with them, while keeping healthy boundaries in tact. But I also formed some friendships with healthy men, especially from my church. These men taught me how I should be treated through their interactions with their spouses, partners, the girls they were interested in dating, and just women in general. Knowing there were guys like this out there and having them treat me with respect, showed me that I am valuable, and that I need to expect the same from any person I date in the future.
If you have these types of friendships, you will begin to see that you are worthy of great relationships, romantic ones included. And you may still desire a romantic relationship, but you will no longer need it to fill a void of human connection with just anyone. You won’t settle for treatment below the standard of how your healthy and safe friends treat you. You will also have great people ready to provide valuable feedback about potential partners in the future, when you are healthy and ready to date. (If you’re in a relationship or married, it’s still really important to have these types of people in your life because they will encourage you and bring joy to your life).
3. Mentors
Friendship is awesome and it’s reciprocal. You’re doing life together in the day-to-day arena. Mentors, on the other hand, are usually older, wiser, or much further along in a particular area of their journey than you are. Typically they are helping you navigate a certain area, or just life in general. They can see patterns you are stuck in that you don’t, how something may affect you long-term, and most importantly, they can guide you through these situations. So it’s important to have both friendships, and mentor relationships in your life.
When you are in a healthy church community, you can look for mentors who have great marriages, or are living their single season well. They will be able to help you get your worth rooted before you look for a person to date and marry. Or if you already are married, they can help you navigate that. One of the most pivotal moments of discovering my worth came out of a mentoring relationship.
I was being mentored by this amazing couple, and I had allowed them access to speak into my life about hard things. At the time I was dating someone, who was a nice guy, but he did not share my desire for God, or my passion to live a life not just for me/my family. I was asking God if this was the right person for me (hindsight is 20/20), and asked for Him to give me a sign, like many of us do in these kinds of situations. After this couple had met and interacted with my boyfriend a few times, they approached me with this question: “What are you doing with that guy?” And they then proceeded to list reasons why we weren’t right together. I was shocked that they had said it out loud, but not at what they had actually said. But I’m glad they had the courage to share their thoughts with me. I felt like this was the sign I had asked for, clear as day, from a couple who knew me and had my respect.
After considering everything, a few days later, I ended the relationship, knowing that although my boyfriend was a nice and fun guy, we ultimately didn’t share the same vision. Ending this relationship was significant, because in the past I had always been broken up with. I didn’t trust God to bring me the right person, so I held tightly to every wrong person in the name of “loyalty.” This was a pivotal point of freedom that proved that I did value myself, saying, “God, I know this isn’t the right person for me, but I trust that you will bring him in your timing.” After that relationship ended, this couple recommended that I do six months of absolutely no dating. I wasn’t thrilled. It was tough at first, but during that time I gained an intimacy and trust with God that I never had before.
I finally felt like my identity was no longer tied up in a relationship, and I saw my worth as a daughter of God. The relationship addiction was broken. Since then I have dated, but now instead of searching for someone to complete what’s missing in me, I’m a healthy whole person looking for another healthy whole person. If you let Him, I know God will do the same for you.