Are Your Dating Standards Too Low?

“Do you want to hear how I’m going to propose to Michelle*?” My friend Joe had called to tell me the news that he was going to propose to the love of his life in less than a month. Of course, I excitedly said yes. He told me how because she was of Irish descent, she had always wanted to go to Ireland. Months before he had booked the trip without telling her. He recently told her that he wanted to take her on vacation so she could plan to take the time off work. He spoke to photographers in Ireland ahead of time, so the moment he got down on one knee overlooking the Cliffs of Moher, someone would be there to capture a moment they could relive together forever.

He talked to her parents and asked if her mom would take her to get her nails done right before the trip. “One last thing,” he said to me. “I’m asking friends and family to each make a video clip, congratulating her on the engagement, that I will play after I propose, since nobody will be with us. I want her to feel really special.” He picked out a stunning engagement ring based on her style, and he shared with me that he was concerned about the size because, “She deserves so much better.”

I tell you that story because it demonstrates the lengths a good man will go to for the person they love. He did all of that for her, but many of us consider a one-word text back a few days later as an acceptable standard for the kind of person we should be with. It’s not about the fancy trip and gorgeous ring, it’s about what he did in order to care for the woman he loves. I should also mention that he treats her this way all the time, every day, in the little things. He doesn’t just shower her with gifts to cover up for daily bad behavior.

Many of us don’t know that a relationship like this is possible outside of a romance movie, because many of us haven’t seen it in real life. After hoping for it for so long and not seeing it, we decide that it’s unrealistic, and we settle instead. Now, I’m not talking about expensive dates and trips like on The Bachelorette, I’m talking about a relationship with the kind of person who knows exactly how to treat you.

Why should we have high standards for whom we date?

1. God views you as a son or daughter of the King.

When we put our faith in Jesus, we become sons and daughters of God (Galatians 3:26, 2 Corinthians 6:18). Jesus is the King. Therefore, we are also royalty. How do you think the King would view you settling when He gave everything for you?

2. Whom we choose impacts how we build the Kingdom.

Christian dating is different than non-Christian dating: It’s not just to have fun, have sex, or avoid loneliness. Christian dating is an intentional way to find your spouse. The first criterion for dating someone is, “Are they a Christian?” The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). If you go into a relationship, knowing that the other person is not committed to their faith, you are in danger of getting attached to someone you aren’t equally yoked with, and it will be harder to exit that relationship.

It is much easier to not entertain this type of relationship from the beginning and save yourself the heartache. Marriage is the most important decision you will make, outside of your decision to follow Jesus. In most cases, divorce isn’t an option. That’s why it’s important to only date people who share your faith and values.

The purpose of marriage is to build God’s Kingdom together and reflect His glory in the world. You can’t do this with someone who isn’t a believer. Even if they are saved, but not committed to living out their faith, they will be unable to pull you closer to Jesus, and as Christians, this is our goal. You will be pulling them, and thus, distracted from your mission of building God’s Kingdom. Only when you are equally yoked with another believer who is just as committed to Jesus as you, will you both be able to help each other fulfill the Kingdom purpose God has for each of you.

3. Your decisions affect your future children.

When we are not heading down a good path, a lot of us like to think our decisions only affect us. But this isn’t true; Your decisions don’t just affect you. Specifically, they will affect your future children. Even if you say now that you don’t want kids, you may change your mind, or you may end up expecting anyway.

Think about this: Do you want the values, the mindsets, and the actions of the person you’re dating to be carried out on your children? Do you want your kids to be treated the same way you are treated physically and emotionally? Do you want your kids to be brought up with the same spiritual beliefs as the person you are with? Even if they say they respect your views and how you choose to raise the kids, that is not the same as a united household building God’s kingdom together. If you don’t like the answers you just gave about the person you’re dating and how they would raise children, why would you be with that person yourself? If you have high standards for yourself now, you will protect yourself and your future children.

4. To set an example for non-believers and other believers.

The Bible tells us “you are not of the world” (John 15:19) and to “not be conformed to this world” (from Romans 12:2), meaning we shouldn’t be living like the rest of the world. We are “the salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13) and “the light of the world” (Matthew 5:14). You are called to “let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). In the context of dating it can be applied this way: When we are shining our light and others see that we are dating the right way, it points people to Jesus.  Like we talked about in the last point, your decisions affect others. We also have the responsibility to be an example to the next generation (see Titus 2:1-5). And even if we are young, we are called to “be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).

What are high standards? People with high standards look for people like this:

• You have similar values. – Are the same things important to both of you spiritually, politically, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially?
• Their actions show that they are committed to their professed faith. – Like prayer, generosity, community with their church, etc.
• They exhibit the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
• They are a person of integrity- They are honest, trustworthy, and have a strong moral compass. They do what they say they’re going to do, and they do the right thing even when nobody is watching.
• They are intentional. They show you that you are a priority to them. You aren’t confused where you stand with them.
• They are pursuing what God has for them. – They’re not just sitting around waiting for their spouse to come into their life.
• They are committed to continual growth and healing.
• They submit to someone wiser than them.
• They are ready for a serious relationship. – If they started dating the right person, they would be ready to marry them in 12-18 months.

In contrast, you may be settling if:

• Many of your values and mindsets are conflicting or not aligned.
• They go to church, but don’t live out their faith.
• You are on different pages about physical boundaries.
• They have no integrity. They are dishonest and unreliable.
• They have no mission in life, they’re just along for the ride.
• They play games and you are confused: They’re not sure about you, are pursuing multiple people, or only text you when they want something.
• They have commitment issues, like not wanting to put a label on a relationship, or they say they love you, but have no plan to marry you anytime soon.
• They are unwilling to change and work on the broken parts of themselves. They say things like, “This is who I am, and it’s not going to change.”
• They’re doing life alone, without friends and leaders.
• They aren’t healed from past relationships.
• They have unforgiveness and bitterness in their heart.

How do we fix patterns of low standards?

1. Know who God says you are.

The best way to know who God says you are is by reading His Word. It is filled with verses about how He sees and values you. If you need some help getting started, check out How to Read Your Bible.

2. Work on yourself.

Have you ever heard, “like attracts like”? You attract who you are and what you’re ready for. Of course, sometimes we all get that one crazy person that comes into our lives, but I’m talking about patterns here. Do you always end up with someone who cheats on you? Do you always attract the pessimistic people? Is everyone person you’re with not ambitious? Is every person not ready for a committed relationship?

If you have a recurring pattern like this, that’s a major sign that your standards are too low, or you need to do some work on yourself to become the kind of person you want to find. There is a reason that you are attracting these same types of people repeatedly. Figure out what that is and then work on it.

Maybe your dad cheated on your mom, so you don’t think you deserve anything else. You’ll need to get a revelation of what you deserve before this pattern will change. Maybe you yourself are pessimistic, uncommitted, or lazy. You’ll need to work on this to attract positive, committed, ambitious people. You can’t expect to attract someone that you yourself are not. In some cases, you will struggle with the same thing you are attracting, or you will simply be accepting of it because you would rather not be alone.

3. Get Around People with Excellent Relationships

Whom you are around most is what you think you deserve. In my post 3 Game Changers That Will Empower You to See Your Value, I wrote about the importance of certain kinds of friends and mentors. I encourage you to check out the whole post, as it’s relevant to both understanding your value, and taking practical steps to build your standards, but here’s a passage from it:

“I strongly encourage you to form most of your close friendships with people of the same sex, because you will be able to be more vulnerable with them, while keeping healthy boundaries intact. But I also formed some friendships with healthy men, especially from my church. These men taught me how I should be treated through their interactions with their spouses, partners, the girls they were interested in dating, and just women in general. Knowing there were guys like this out there and having them treat me with respect, showed me that I am valuable, and that I need to expect the same from any person I date in the future.”

I hear a lot of singles say, “There’s no good men,” or “There’s no good women,” but this is an indicator that you have not surrounded yourself with good people. The lack of good men and women is not the problem, it’s your environment and your standards. Now that I have built relationships with the right people, I am surrounded by men who have done things more intentional and romantic than the best romance movies and novels. At the beginning of this post, I shared how my friend Joe proposed to Michelle. I’m going to share about two more men in my life to give you hope that they are out there.

Sal & Rebecca

I was sitting at lunch with Sal. He had told his girlfriend Rebecca that he and I were going to grab lunch and hang out. What she didn’t know was that Sal had invited me to hang out so I could help him pick out an engagement ring for her. First, we caught up over lunch and he gushed about this woman whom he had come to love so deeply. For about a year he waited for her specifically. Before that he waited on God and worked out his insecurities with Him. When he finally got together with Rebecca, I had asked him if she was The One. He told me that he was cherishing each day with her, knowing that she belonged to God, and he hoped to be entrusted to care for her, but he was relying on God to guide him. He won her heart by showing respect to both her and her family that she had never seen before. I listened to him talk about all the things he loved about her and how he respected who God had created her to be. He showed me his plan to propose to her, which included woodwork done by him, a photo album of their favorite memories, and a song she had never heard that combined her heritage, a band she loved, and a movie that was meaningful to the two of them. And oh yeah, we picked out the perfect engagement ring, which she loved.

Josh and Emma

My friend Emma liked Josh for a year before he ever saw her in a romantic way. She waited patiently and prayed for him until his eyes were finally opened. Once they were, Josh wasted no time. He made it very clear that he wanted to pursue her. He took her on dates and proudly told the world that she was his. He not only respected her boundaries to wait to have sex until marriage but held firm to his own. The two of them had agreed to not even makeout until marriage, and Josh was the one who held that line to respect her, even when she entertained pushing it “just this once.” When Josh knew she was the person he wanted to marry, he set up pre-marital counseling right away. And a few weeks after they completed the counseling, he proposed to her at the spot of one of their favorite dates together.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Well that’s great that you have awesome men like that in your life.” But I’m here to encourage you that I used to say the same kinds of things: “There’s no good men left,” and “I’ll never find someone who loves me like that.” But these kinds of people exist! The real questions are: Are you attracting these kinds of people into your life (friendship and romantic relationship alike)? And would you even be ready for them, if they were to appear? Find your value in Jesus, work on yourself, and go out and find them!

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.